Means and Ends
Nov. 16th, 2010 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trista_zevkiaTitle: Agatha's Means and Endings
Author: Trista_zevkia
Chapter: 3/3
Fandom: Wodehouse
Characters/Pairing: Jeeves/Wooster
Rating: PG-17
Warnings: SLASH
Summary: Aunt A. hires some hit men to get rid of Jeeves. Bertie takes this with much naked wrestling=)
Disclaimer: All monies made will go to seducing people to the world of Wodehouse, even if it means making them watch the Fry and Laurie DVD’s.
Author's Notes: I started out the fic below with Jeeves thinking Agatha might have him killed. This is the requested followup, part of the Yuletide fic exchange at IndeedSir.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
I’m the first to admit, the arms of Morris hold me extra tight, if that’s the chap I mean. When I sleep, I enjoy every moment of it and get as much s. as I can. So I must have been more wrapped around Reginald than Morris when the ack emma arrived. There was a pillow in my arms where a minute ago there had been Reginald, something he must do to help me sleep longer. Looking for the non-pillow Reginald, I found him pulling his clothes on at the edge of the bed. His nicely padded bum slipped into cloth and I tried to slip back into the arms of Morris.
Normally an easygoing chap, Morris must have been jealous of Reginald because he sent me uneasy dreams. These u. d. must be why I woke so early, early for me anyway, to see Reginald moving silently about my room. He had showered and put on a fresh uniform, probably even breakfasted, while I fought dreams for understanding.
Something strange about there being other uses for things than what we normally use them for. I realized Jeeves was packing my suitcase and a flash of early morning irritation moved through me. If he thought he was going to talk me into traveling right now, he could just go bug… Oh, I say! Even in my own head, Jeeves provided answers.
“Reginald?” Moving from the wardrobe to sitting on the edge of my bed didn’t take a second, as the rotating planet sought to catch up with Jeeves.
“I apologize for waking you, Sir. I was endeavoring to work quietly.” The sir thing was a bit odd as he was holding my hand, which had emerged from the bedcovers at his prox, proxy? Closeness.
“Fortunately, Jeeves, I know how you can make it up to me.” That might have come out less masterly than I intended, as Reginald’s e.s. crinkled in amusement, without a twitch in the rest of the face. I expect my next statement to do more than amuse him.
“Indeed, Sir?”
“Yes, Jeeves. I need you to explain something to me, i.e., if those are the letters I’m groping for. I want you to tell me what exactly is meant by the legal term, ‘buggery.’” This gets no reaction from him, and I feel cheated. Even disgust would have been preferable to stuffed frog nothingness! At a loss, I turn to my omnibus of reference material for an answer. “Reginald? What’d I say?”
He stands and moves away as he speaks in an emotionless voice. “Forgive my surprise, Bertram. I did not anticipate exploring this activity with you so soon.”
Relief makes me laugh as he opens the curtains. “Expensive gifts, planning out the future, it’s like you’re wooing me. I think we’ve moved passed that bit, unless you think I’ll lose interest or something!”
I’d laugh again, but Reginald pauses as he moves past the window he’s just revealed. This time, his non-response tells me I’m actually, unbelievably right. Flinging back the covers, I stand on the bed so I can use it to better launch myself at him! There is a flash of concern on his face but he has to catch me, that’s just who he is. We go down in a tangle of limbs and the sound of glass shattering.
“I say!” Not what I thought I’d say, but I never thought I’d break a window with a hug either! Reginald does something strange, very s. that puts all sayings from my mind. He rolls me away from the window until I’m on my back.
“Stay perfectly still so the glass doesn’t cut you.” He orders me to do this, then he’s on his feet and crouch walking away from me. He scans the wall across from the window and glares at a spot about even with his chest.
I know Reginald was in the War, doing his bit for tea and crumpets. It came up when he asked for Armistice Day off, but he didn’t go into details. I also know Jeeves is smart and rather unstoppable when he needs to be, but this look he’s giving the wall makes these facts, not just things I’ve heard. Jeeves knows how to fight and make people hurt. Jeeves is a dangerous man, and I offer a prayer that he always stays on my side as well as at my side!
“Jeeves, you’re scaring me.”
I didn’t mean to say that, but I don’t know if he even heard it. Jeeves turns to peer out the window, looking across the street for I don’t know what. Funny thing, you remove a large picture window in the middle of winter, and the temperature in your flat drops, rather considerably. I was shivering so badly I was having a hard time focusing on Jeeves, but he had told me to stay still.
Jeeves carefully closes the curtains and turns toward me. Something snaps him out of soldier mode, and he’s wrapping me in my bedspread. I’m in his arms and he’s carrying me out of the room. All I can do is lean into him and shiver. He sets me on my feet but holds me to his body with one hand. As I hear water start behind me, I figure out he’s turned on the shower in his bedroom. Gentle hands flutter around my back and bum, removing any pieces of glass they find.
“Reginald, what’s going on?”
“I do not see any deep cuts from the glass, but if the water hurts you anywhere, please tell me so.”
“Only if you tell me what’s happening!”
“Stand under the warm water, and I will explain.” Best of both worlds and whatnot, so I do as instructed and let his voice sooth my trembling soul. “While I was injured and planning my amnesia, I had a thought. I considered the possibility of Lady Worplesdon contracting to have me killed, should she discover I was attempting to become your lover. I dismissed it as an exaggeration, but now I believe I may have underestimated her willingness to harm me.”
I giggled into the water that had warmed me up so spifflingly. “You think my Aunt hired a hit man? Called the constable at Easeby for a reference, did she?”
“Sir, the large man in the park yesterday pulled a knife on me.”
“Really? I thought that was his watch or something. You sure he wasn’t just a mugger?”
“The large knife in question had what is known as brass knuckles built into the handle.”
“That does sound like a rather nasty knife.”
“Indeed, Sir. Had not the snowball startled him and allowed me to see the weapon, he might easily have succeeded.”
Not wanting to admit my part in the snowball, since I was aiming for Reginald, I sought for something else to say. “Still, hired killers is a bit thick from one strange meeting.”
“The man in the teashop, who sounded so much like Anatole’s gangster films, put something in our tea.”
“What?” I missed that, but it did explain why the man was so talkative.
“While I am unsure of the exact compound, I believe it was intended to drug us. Then I might be killed without risking harm to you.”
“Are you sure they weren’t killing us both? I’m sure Aunt A would have told them I’m useless without you.”
“She might have, but Lady Worplesdon would not physically harm you. You are kin, after all.”
“Don’t remind me!” Rather painful to think one might be related by blood to someone who could hire an assassin. “So the window?”
“A gunshot, from the roof of the building across the way.”
“The packing?” I wondered if he was going to deny it, claim I hadn’t seen what I’d thought I’d s. before we were shot at.
“I considered they would become increasingly enthusiastic in their attempts to fulfill the contract and wished to move you out of harm’s way, my love.”
“If I wasn’t soaking wet, I’d kiss you for that. Still, I won’t leave you to face this alone. Purely selfish, mind you. I wouldn’t last a moment without you!” Pleasure crinkles his eyes, amusement and love, as he knows which part of my words are true and which p. o. m. w. are false.
“If you will remain under the water, I will fetch you some clothing.”
“Too cold to go strolling around the flat naked!” I wiggle my eyebrows at him before warming my nose in the water. His timing is perfect as always, as the water is starting to cool around me.
“Most amusing, Sir.”
Silence showed me he had floated out, so I tried to digest his words. Could my Aunt A, at her worst, really order someone to kill? What was it about Jeeves that got under her skin? The leading me around by the nose bit, I suppose. He was the servant, I was the young master. I was supposed to be better than him, and it gnawed on her guts that he was b. t. me! Death was a bit extreme though, and hardly one’s first option. I guess if I gave the thugs more money than she did, they’d not kill Jeeves, but how would I stop Aunt A from trying it again?
Wood splintered in the flat, noisily s., when Jeeves didn’t make noise without written approval! My feet slipped on the floor, but I still got some speed up before finding my way into the living room. The large bloke I hit with the snowball had Jeeves on his back, the knife waving between them! I threw myself at the l. b. with all the practice I’d gotten from throwing myself at Reginald, but with a much different intent.
There was a grunt, a shout or two and some slippery grabbing. The short bloke had thrown himself into the mess, and I could tell he was fighter too! I never was, but I was wet and hard to hold, and protecting the man I loved! At least until the m. I l. pulled me to my feet and backed us away from the other two. I made sure to stand in front of him, despite his hands trying to pull me behind him.
“Enough! Let me see to Mr. Wooster, and then I will talk with you.”
The big one had no idea what Jeeves was talking about, even though I knew what Jeeves was saying. ‘I’ll get rid of the young master, and then we’ll fight.’ Except, the y. m. wasn’t going anywhere! As soon as I had breathe in my lungs, I’d tell them all that. The short one understood Jeeves, and pulled a stub of a cigar out of his inner pocket as he considered us. Jeeves was wrapping me in his morning coat as the short bloke spoke.
“We don’t do twofers, so youse boss is safe enough.”
“You’d have to kill me to get to him!” More words spoken in haste that actually mattered. I was getting smarter!
“Sir, do not trouble yourself on my account.”
“This is my fault so I’ll fix it, Love.”
“Love?” Both Americans shoot the word at me, and my brain freezes to match my body.
“Just a thing we English say, like tea or crumpets.” It’s all I can think of, but even the big one doesn’t seem to be buying it, as he turns to look at the short one. There is something in that look that bothers me, but in a good way. Jeeves has been standing directly behind me, but he moves forward to warm my backside.
They turn to look back at us, and his arms move forward to wrap around me. I think he’s trying to warm the rest of me, and it’s working, until his head rests against mine, cheek to c.! As bizarre as it is to be hugged by Jeeves in front of people, I can’t help but melt into him, his warmth, his caring, his love for unimportant me.
“Reginald, I don’t care if they kill us both, but you can’t leave me here alone.”
“So it’s like that, huh?” The big one’s voice surprises me, as I thought he was too thick to form words. The short one roles his cigar from one side of his mouth to the other, I guess so he can speak without all the extra s’s.
“Knew that woman was laying down a load of hogwash. Some fiction about writing lies about the family, and you don’t pull family into these things. Still, it’s illegal here too, so why didn’t she just call the cops?”
“Mr. Wooster would have fared better than myself, but it would still have been a scandal. Lady Worplesdon does not wish to be associated with such things.”
“Wait!” I’m confused, as I thought this was about the writing, so I have to ask. “I’m confuse…”
That spot, between the soft earlobe and the harder part at the top, where Jeeves melts into Reginald? Turns out I have a weakness there as well. I forget how to form words when Reginald nibbles on it, however briefly.
“Connie?” The short bloke is looking at us, so I don’t know who he’s addressing until the big one speaks again.
“Don’t want to, Aldo, makes us critics.”
“Hypocrites, Connie.”
“Them too.” Connie nods in a wise way, even as I try to figure out what he’s nodding at. Aldo puts the cigar back in his pocket.
“The advance will get us to Canada, where we can wait until the Boss gives the all clear. Won’t stop the old bag from trying again though.” Aldo shrugs at us and glides toward the front door. Connie stares a moment longer, before favoring us with a wistful expression and contented sigh that brings to mind Madeline Basset at her worst. “Connie!”
“Comin’ Aldo!” Connie turns and follows Aldo out the door, slamming it behind them. Reginald sighs with relief before he walks me toward his room again.
“I thought you said this was over the writing wheeze?”
“It is, but they did not need to know that. I am amazed that your Aunt not only found two mobsters laying low, as they say, in London, but the odds of them being inverts as well must be astronomical.” We get to his room and he’s sliding me into the bed as he says all this, but he’s not getting in bed with me.
“Are you saying being an invert just saved your life?”
“Essentially, Bertram. Please wait here while I fetch you some clothing.”
I’m left to laugh in the silence of his departure. It’s like being a law abiding citizen when there is never a cop around to see it, but the instant you mess up, policemen everywhere! Never even met a true invert until I found out Reginald was one, now in less than a month that love had saved my Love!
Jeeves laid an armful of clothes out, and there was a flawless Wooster plan in my mind. I let him dress me, even put my hat and coat on me, and then indulged in some celebratory snogging. When I shivered in his arms, he made me stop the c. s. “Please go to the club now. I will see about having the window repaired, and fetch you when it is completed and the apartment is warm again.”
“Will do, but first I have to make a few stops.”
“Stops, Sir?”
“Stops, to stop Aunt A from trying again. I’ve got her number.”
“May I ask what methods you have in mind?”
“You may ask, or I may tell. I’m going to stop by my barrister’s, then I’m sending her a telegram.”
“I fail to see the solution, Sir.”
“Have you ever read my will, Jeeves?”
“No, Sir. It is highly inappropriate for me to read anything not pertinent to my job duties.”
“Might make for some interesting reading, while you wait for the window fixers. But read it somewhere warm, I don’t want you getting sick before that lesson in legal definitions.”
“Are you sure your barrister might not be better equipped to deal with legal definitions?”
“I’m not letting him explain the difference between beggary and rogering!” A touch of pink shows he now remembers the conversation we started to have before all of this. I give him a kiss to each of those pinking cheeks. “Must dash, have to send that telegram.”
J<3B ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ J<3B
Spending an entire day at the club, while limiting your drinks is a terrible idea! My friends aren’t nearly as witty or fun when I’m sober. I’ve been drinking, yes, but not enough to affect my lesson in legal definitions. This is also the longest I’ve been away from Jeeves since I found out he was faking the amnesia. It’s like an itch under a tooth, something you can’t reach, can’t fix, until if fixes itself.
As it is, when the club butler tells me Jeeves is waiting, it’s all I can do not to run to him. I let him put my coat on, and only accidentally stumble drunkenly into him twice. His hands on my shoulders as he walks behind me are a steadying influence, not the closest we can come to walking down the street hand in hand. Just to prove it, I weave as I walk.
The flat is blissfully warm, so I let him get us out of our coats before I try to snog him silly. Putting his hands back on my shoulders, he pushes me just out of snogging length.
“As much as your hedonism thrills me, Bertram, I must ask you about your will.”
“My will is that you explain…”
“Not that will, I have had difficulty thinking of anything but that will since you left.”
“Well, you should have explained buggery when we first started doing this! Why are you so afraid I’ll lose interest? Is it because of all the bezels I’ve gone through?” I’m surprised at how soft my voice is, but I’m not s. at the words.
Nobody else can stand to stay with me, he’ll have to leave eventually, for his own sanity. Smart man like Jeeves has to know that already. He’s slow to respond, which speaks volumes in Jeevesian communication, but v. about what?
“I fear you only think you want me because I do all I can to make myself indispensable to you.”
“Really? Because I’m sure I’m not good enough for you. I’ll lose everything when you glom onto that fact!”
“Perhaps our insecurities will keep us from taking each other for granted, as time goes by.” Reginald lets me move in to kiss him, so I do. My mind is moving us into our bedroom but his arms aren’t letting me move our bodies in there. Stopping the kiss, he holds me still at arm’s length. “Did your barrister not explain that titles can only be passed by bloodlines?”
“Sure, the Lord Yaxley bit can be passed to Claude or Eustace. What I’m giving you is everything I own and the suggestion of a title. He said that with your record of service, your character references and owning all my stuff, you’d be a shoe in! Well, with a large enough gift to the right people, you’ll get that shoe if anything happens to me. That’s that large account I told you to not spend out of.”
“Bertram, perhaps you should remove that clause from your will, as I would not survive long without you.” He doesn’t release me to show my emotions at his words, so I have to use my words.
“Either way, the family estate gets turned into a school for underprivileged children, like you once were. I know you could have been Prime Minister if you were born in my place. If you undertake to educate, well Aunt A might, but the rest of us won’t have any cause to worry about the future of Britain. Besides, that M’Lord clause is what now keeps Aunt Assassin at bay.”
“You informed her of this provision?”
“Had my barrister send her a copy of the will, which is more than a year old, so don’t think it’s a reward for letting me into your bed. I also sent her a telegram, so she’d stop sending thugs at us.”
“Did you keep a copy of that missive, Sir?”
“Yes, but you can only read it if you promise to get on with the buggery afterwards.”
“I have assembled the necessary particulars and made the master bedroom ready.”
“You need things to do it?” I’ll admit to surprise here, I thought it was one of those things you just needed two willing participants for.
“Lubricant and clean sheets for after, Bertram.”
“Oh.” I try out the nodding wisely bit that Connie had used, but the crinkle at the edge of Reginald’s eyes tell me it doesn’t work any better on me.
I fish out the note I wrote while waiting to see my barrister, the note my telegram was written from. Handing it to Jeeves, I go to look at the equipment that awaits me, wondering what he’ll think of the words on the paper. Doesn’t really matter I suppose, as I know it will fill Aunt A with an unimaginable horror to think I left my all to my valet!
Hope I never find out what she’d do if she found out about Reginald being my lover, but I’ll protect him, come what may. It may only be with words, but sometimes those are more powerful than hired swords, if that’s how that thingy goes. My powerful words went something like this.
Aunt Agatha.
Horror! Jeeves and I were attacked in the metrop by two Americans! What is world coming to? We’re fine, police after them. Don’t know what they wanted from me. Had to be after me, who would rob a valet? Sending you copy of my will, just in case. Consider contents carefully, before casting aspersions on Jeeves. He might be same rank as you, should another attack occur.
Love, your healing up nicely nephew,
Bertie.
Author: Trista_zevkia
Chapter: 3/3
Fandom: Wodehouse
Characters/Pairing: Jeeves/Wooster
Rating: PG-17
Warnings: SLASH
Summary: Aunt A. hires some hit men to get rid of Jeeves. Bertie takes this with much naked wrestling=)
Disclaimer: All monies made will go to seducing people to the world of Wodehouse, even if it means making them watch the Fry and Laurie DVD’s.
Author's Notes: I started out the fic below with Jeeves thinking Agatha might have him killed. This is the requested followup, part of the Yuletide fic exchange at IndeedSir.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
I’m the first to admit, the arms of Morris hold me extra tight, if that’s the chap I mean. When I sleep, I enjoy every moment of it and get as much s. as I can. So I must have been more wrapped around Reginald than Morris when the ack emma arrived. There was a pillow in my arms where a minute ago there had been Reginald, something he must do to help me sleep longer. Looking for the non-pillow Reginald, I found him pulling his clothes on at the edge of the bed. His nicely padded bum slipped into cloth and I tried to slip back into the arms of Morris.
Normally an easygoing chap, Morris must have been jealous of Reginald because he sent me uneasy dreams. These u. d. must be why I woke so early, early for me anyway, to see Reginald moving silently about my room. He had showered and put on a fresh uniform, probably even breakfasted, while I fought dreams for understanding.
Something strange about there being other uses for things than what we normally use them for. I realized Jeeves was packing my suitcase and a flash of early morning irritation moved through me. If he thought he was going to talk me into traveling right now, he could just go bug… Oh, I say! Even in my own head, Jeeves provided answers.
“Reginald?” Moving from the wardrobe to sitting on the edge of my bed didn’t take a second, as the rotating planet sought to catch up with Jeeves.
“I apologize for waking you, Sir. I was endeavoring to work quietly.” The sir thing was a bit odd as he was holding my hand, which had emerged from the bedcovers at his prox, proxy? Closeness.
“Fortunately, Jeeves, I know how you can make it up to me.” That might have come out less masterly than I intended, as Reginald’s e.s. crinkled in amusement, without a twitch in the rest of the face. I expect my next statement to do more than amuse him.
“Indeed, Sir?”
“Yes, Jeeves. I need you to explain something to me, i.e., if those are the letters I’m groping for. I want you to tell me what exactly is meant by the legal term, ‘buggery.’” This gets no reaction from him, and I feel cheated. Even disgust would have been preferable to stuffed frog nothingness! At a loss, I turn to my omnibus of reference material for an answer. “Reginald? What’d I say?”
He stands and moves away as he speaks in an emotionless voice. “Forgive my surprise, Bertram. I did not anticipate exploring this activity with you so soon.”
Relief makes me laugh as he opens the curtains. “Expensive gifts, planning out the future, it’s like you’re wooing me. I think we’ve moved passed that bit, unless you think I’ll lose interest or something!”
I’d laugh again, but Reginald pauses as he moves past the window he’s just revealed. This time, his non-response tells me I’m actually, unbelievably right. Flinging back the covers, I stand on the bed so I can use it to better launch myself at him! There is a flash of concern on his face but he has to catch me, that’s just who he is. We go down in a tangle of limbs and the sound of glass shattering.
“I say!” Not what I thought I’d say, but I never thought I’d break a window with a hug either! Reginald does something strange, very s. that puts all sayings from my mind. He rolls me away from the window until I’m on my back.
“Stay perfectly still so the glass doesn’t cut you.” He orders me to do this, then he’s on his feet and crouch walking away from me. He scans the wall across from the window and glares at a spot about even with his chest.
I know Reginald was in the War, doing his bit for tea and crumpets. It came up when he asked for Armistice Day off, but he didn’t go into details. I also know Jeeves is smart and rather unstoppable when he needs to be, but this look he’s giving the wall makes these facts, not just things I’ve heard. Jeeves knows how to fight and make people hurt. Jeeves is a dangerous man, and I offer a prayer that he always stays on my side as well as at my side!
“Jeeves, you’re scaring me.”
I didn’t mean to say that, but I don’t know if he even heard it. Jeeves turns to peer out the window, looking across the street for I don’t know what. Funny thing, you remove a large picture window in the middle of winter, and the temperature in your flat drops, rather considerably. I was shivering so badly I was having a hard time focusing on Jeeves, but he had told me to stay still.
Jeeves carefully closes the curtains and turns toward me. Something snaps him out of soldier mode, and he’s wrapping me in my bedspread. I’m in his arms and he’s carrying me out of the room. All I can do is lean into him and shiver. He sets me on my feet but holds me to his body with one hand. As I hear water start behind me, I figure out he’s turned on the shower in his bedroom. Gentle hands flutter around my back and bum, removing any pieces of glass they find.
“Reginald, what’s going on?”
“I do not see any deep cuts from the glass, but if the water hurts you anywhere, please tell me so.”
“Only if you tell me what’s happening!”
“Stand under the warm water, and I will explain.” Best of both worlds and whatnot, so I do as instructed and let his voice sooth my trembling soul. “While I was injured and planning my amnesia, I had a thought. I considered the possibility of Lady Worplesdon contracting to have me killed, should she discover I was attempting to become your lover. I dismissed it as an exaggeration, but now I believe I may have underestimated her willingness to harm me.”
I giggled into the water that had warmed me up so spifflingly. “You think my Aunt hired a hit man? Called the constable at Easeby for a reference, did she?”
“Sir, the large man in the park yesterday pulled a knife on me.”
“Really? I thought that was his watch or something. You sure he wasn’t just a mugger?”
“The large knife in question had what is known as brass knuckles built into the handle.”
“That does sound like a rather nasty knife.”
“Indeed, Sir. Had not the snowball startled him and allowed me to see the weapon, he might easily have succeeded.”
Not wanting to admit my part in the snowball, since I was aiming for Reginald, I sought for something else to say. “Still, hired killers is a bit thick from one strange meeting.”
“The man in the teashop, who sounded so much like Anatole’s gangster films, put something in our tea.”
“What?” I missed that, but it did explain why the man was so talkative.
“While I am unsure of the exact compound, I believe it was intended to drug us. Then I might be killed without risking harm to you.”
“Are you sure they weren’t killing us both? I’m sure Aunt A would have told them I’m useless without you.”
“She might have, but Lady Worplesdon would not physically harm you. You are kin, after all.”
“Don’t remind me!” Rather painful to think one might be related by blood to someone who could hire an assassin. “So the window?”
“A gunshot, from the roof of the building across the way.”
“The packing?” I wondered if he was going to deny it, claim I hadn’t seen what I’d thought I’d s. before we were shot at.
“I considered they would become increasingly enthusiastic in their attempts to fulfill the contract and wished to move you out of harm’s way, my love.”
“If I wasn’t soaking wet, I’d kiss you for that. Still, I won’t leave you to face this alone. Purely selfish, mind you. I wouldn’t last a moment without you!” Pleasure crinkles his eyes, amusement and love, as he knows which part of my words are true and which p. o. m. w. are false.
“If you will remain under the water, I will fetch you some clothing.”
“Too cold to go strolling around the flat naked!” I wiggle my eyebrows at him before warming my nose in the water. His timing is perfect as always, as the water is starting to cool around me.
“Most amusing, Sir.”
Silence showed me he had floated out, so I tried to digest his words. Could my Aunt A, at her worst, really order someone to kill? What was it about Jeeves that got under her skin? The leading me around by the nose bit, I suppose. He was the servant, I was the young master. I was supposed to be better than him, and it gnawed on her guts that he was b. t. me! Death was a bit extreme though, and hardly one’s first option. I guess if I gave the thugs more money than she did, they’d not kill Jeeves, but how would I stop Aunt A from trying it again?
Wood splintered in the flat, noisily s., when Jeeves didn’t make noise without written approval! My feet slipped on the floor, but I still got some speed up before finding my way into the living room. The large bloke I hit with the snowball had Jeeves on his back, the knife waving between them! I threw myself at the l. b. with all the practice I’d gotten from throwing myself at Reginald, but with a much different intent.
There was a grunt, a shout or two and some slippery grabbing. The short bloke had thrown himself into the mess, and I could tell he was fighter too! I never was, but I was wet and hard to hold, and protecting the man I loved! At least until the m. I l. pulled me to my feet and backed us away from the other two. I made sure to stand in front of him, despite his hands trying to pull me behind him.
“Enough! Let me see to Mr. Wooster, and then I will talk with you.”
The big one had no idea what Jeeves was talking about, even though I knew what Jeeves was saying. ‘I’ll get rid of the young master, and then we’ll fight.’ Except, the y. m. wasn’t going anywhere! As soon as I had breathe in my lungs, I’d tell them all that. The short one understood Jeeves, and pulled a stub of a cigar out of his inner pocket as he considered us. Jeeves was wrapping me in his morning coat as the short bloke spoke.
“We don’t do twofers, so youse boss is safe enough.”
“You’d have to kill me to get to him!” More words spoken in haste that actually mattered. I was getting smarter!
“Sir, do not trouble yourself on my account.”
“This is my fault so I’ll fix it, Love.”
“Love?” Both Americans shoot the word at me, and my brain freezes to match my body.
“Just a thing we English say, like tea or crumpets.” It’s all I can think of, but even the big one doesn’t seem to be buying it, as he turns to look at the short one. There is something in that look that bothers me, but in a good way. Jeeves has been standing directly behind me, but he moves forward to warm my backside.
They turn to look back at us, and his arms move forward to wrap around me. I think he’s trying to warm the rest of me, and it’s working, until his head rests against mine, cheek to c.! As bizarre as it is to be hugged by Jeeves in front of people, I can’t help but melt into him, his warmth, his caring, his love for unimportant me.
“Reginald, I don’t care if they kill us both, but you can’t leave me here alone.”
“So it’s like that, huh?” The big one’s voice surprises me, as I thought he was too thick to form words. The short one roles his cigar from one side of his mouth to the other, I guess so he can speak without all the extra s’s.
“Knew that woman was laying down a load of hogwash. Some fiction about writing lies about the family, and you don’t pull family into these things. Still, it’s illegal here too, so why didn’t she just call the cops?”
“Mr. Wooster would have fared better than myself, but it would still have been a scandal. Lady Worplesdon does not wish to be associated with such things.”
“Wait!” I’m confused, as I thought this was about the writing, so I have to ask. “I’m confuse…”
That spot, between the soft earlobe and the harder part at the top, where Jeeves melts into Reginald? Turns out I have a weakness there as well. I forget how to form words when Reginald nibbles on it, however briefly.
“Connie?” The short bloke is looking at us, so I don’t know who he’s addressing until the big one speaks again.
“Don’t want to, Aldo, makes us critics.”
“Hypocrites, Connie.”
“Them too.” Connie nods in a wise way, even as I try to figure out what he’s nodding at. Aldo puts the cigar back in his pocket.
“The advance will get us to Canada, where we can wait until the Boss gives the all clear. Won’t stop the old bag from trying again though.” Aldo shrugs at us and glides toward the front door. Connie stares a moment longer, before favoring us with a wistful expression and contented sigh that brings to mind Madeline Basset at her worst. “Connie!”
“Comin’ Aldo!” Connie turns and follows Aldo out the door, slamming it behind them. Reginald sighs with relief before he walks me toward his room again.
“I thought you said this was over the writing wheeze?”
“It is, but they did not need to know that. I am amazed that your Aunt not only found two mobsters laying low, as they say, in London, but the odds of them being inverts as well must be astronomical.” We get to his room and he’s sliding me into the bed as he says all this, but he’s not getting in bed with me.
“Are you saying being an invert just saved your life?”
“Essentially, Bertram. Please wait here while I fetch you some clothing.”
I’m left to laugh in the silence of his departure. It’s like being a law abiding citizen when there is never a cop around to see it, but the instant you mess up, policemen everywhere! Never even met a true invert until I found out Reginald was one, now in less than a month that love had saved my Love!
Jeeves laid an armful of clothes out, and there was a flawless Wooster plan in my mind. I let him dress me, even put my hat and coat on me, and then indulged in some celebratory snogging. When I shivered in his arms, he made me stop the c. s. “Please go to the club now. I will see about having the window repaired, and fetch you when it is completed and the apartment is warm again.”
“Will do, but first I have to make a few stops.”
“Stops, Sir?”
“Stops, to stop Aunt A from trying again. I’ve got her number.”
“May I ask what methods you have in mind?”
“You may ask, or I may tell. I’m going to stop by my barrister’s, then I’m sending her a telegram.”
“I fail to see the solution, Sir.”
“Have you ever read my will, Jeeves?”
“No, Sir. It is highly inappropriate for me to read anything not pertinent to my job duties.”
“Might make for some interesting reading, while you wait for the window fixers. But read it somewhere warm, I don’t want you getting sick before that lesson in legal definitions.”
“Are you sure your barrister might not be better equipped to deal with legal definitions?”
“I’m not letting him explain the difference between beggary and rogering!” A touch of pink shows he now remembers the conversation we started to have before all of this. I give him a kiss to each of those pinking cheeks. “Must dash, have to send that telegram.”
Spending an entire day at the club, while limiting your drinks is a terrible idea! My friends aren’t nearly as witty or fun when I’m sober. I’ve been drinking, yes, but not enough to affect my lesson in legal definitions. This is also the longest I’ve been away from Jeeves since I found out he was faking the amnesia. It’s like an itch under a tooth, something you can’t reach, can’t fix, until if fixes itself.
As it is, when the club butler tells me Jeeves is waiting, it’s all I can do not to run to him. I let him put my coat on, and only accidentally stumble drunkenly into him twice. His hands on my shoulders as he walks behind me are a steadying influence, not the closest we can come to walking down the street hand in hand. Just to prove it, I weave as I walk.
The flat is blissfully warm, so I let him get us out of our coats before I try to snog him silly. Putting his hands back on my shoulders, he pushes me just out of snogging length.
“As much as your hedonism thrills me, Bertram, I must ask you about your will.”
“My will is that you explain…”
“Not that will, I have had difficulty thinking of anything but that will since you left.”
“Well, you should have explained buggery when we first started doing this! Why are you so afraid I’ll lose interest? Is it because of all the bezels I’ve gone through?” I’m surprised at how soft my voice is, but I’m not s. at the words.
Nobody else can stand to stay with me, he’ll have to leave eventually, for his own sanity. Smart man like Jeeves has to know that already. He’s slow to respond, which speaks volumes in Jeevesian communication, but v. about what?
“I fear you only think you want me because I do all I can to make myself indispensable to you.”
“Really? Because I’m sure I’m not good enough for you. I’ll lose everything when you glom onto that fact!”
“Perhaps our insecurities will keep us from taking each other for granted, as time goes by.” Reginald lets me move in to kiss him, so I do. My mind is moving us into our bedroom but his arms aren’t letting me move our bodies in there. Stopping the kiss, he holds me still at arm’s length. “Did your barrister not explain that titles can only be passed by bloodlines?”
“Sure, the Lord Yaxley bit can be passed to Claude or Eustace. What I’m giving you is everything I own and the suggestion of a title. He said that with your record of service, your character references and owning all my stuff, you’d be a shoe in! Well, with a large enough gift to the right people, you’ll get that shoe if anything happens to me. That’s that large account I told you to not spend out of.”
“Bertram, perhaps you should remove that clause from your will, as I would not survive long without you.” He doesn’t release me to show my emotions at his words, so I have to use my words.
“Either way, the family estate gets turned into a school for underprivileged children, like you once were. I know you could have been Prime Minister if you were born in my place. If you undertake to educate, well Aunt A might, but the rest of us won’t have any cause to worry about the future of Britain. Besides, that M’Lord clause is what now keeps Aunt Assassin at bay.”
“You informed her of this provision?”
“Had my barrister send her a copy of the will, which is more than a year old, so don’t think it’s a reward for letting me into your bed. I also sent her a telegram, so she’d stop sending thugs at us.”
“Did you keep a copy of that missive, Sir?”
“Yes, but you can only read it if you promise to get on with the buggery afterwards.”
“I have assembled the necessary particulars and made the master bedroom ready.”
“You need things to do it?” I’ll admit to surprise here, I thought it was one of those things you just needed two willing participants for.
“Lubricant and clean sheets for after, Bertram.”
“Oh.” I try out the nodding wisely bit that Connie had used, but the crinkle at the edge of Reginald’s eyes tell me it doesn’t work any better on me.
I fish out the note I wrote while waiting to see my barrister, the note my telegram was written from. Handing it to Jeeves, I go to look at the equipment that awaits me, wondering what he’ll think of the words on the paper. Doesn’t really matter I suppose, as I know it will fill Aunt A with an unimaginable horror to think I left my all to my valet!
Hope I never find out what she’d do if she found out about Reginald being my lover, but I’ll protect him, come what may. It may only be with words, but sometimes those are more powerful than hired swords, if that’s how that thingy goes. My powerful words went something like this.
Aunt Agatha.
Horror! Jeeves and I were attacked in the metrop by two Americans! What is world coming to? We’re fine, police after them. Don’t know what they wanted from me. Had to be after me, who would rob a valet? Sending you copy of my will, just in case. Consider contents carefully, before casting aspersions on Jeeves. He might be same rank as you, should another attack occur.
Love, your healing up nicely nephew,
Bertie.
